I am currently going through the most trying time of my life thus far. Without getting into the intimate details I had some unexpected changes occur this summer which included a couple of people that were really important to me more or less leave my life in a sudden way. For me, dealing with this has been what feels like impossible. Trust is huge for me, and having trust broken is not something I take lightly. The confusion of it all made me reevaluate myself and my life which threw me into a whirlwind of emotions that I did not even realize I had.
You know that feeling where you are so lost and hurt that you think someone must have broken your ribs because there seems like no other explanation except that something must be puncturing both your heart and lungs because of the way it hurts and the fact that you can't seem to breathe normally? After many restless nights, a trip back home, talks with friends and family, breakdowns, a solo roundtrip drive to Idaho (meaning 11 hours of nothing but time to think), and an all around summer that did not end up the way I expected at all I have started to accept things and understand myself.
Weeks of over thinking and scribbling nonsense in my journal and then over two weeks of trying to construct it, has turned into this. This post was mostly for me to organize all of my thoughts, but also for me to share what I have learned throughout this because maybe someone else can learn from it as well. So, here it is- each lesson I have learned in the past few months.
We accept the love we think we deserve. - The Perks of Being A Wallflower
This is probably my favorite quote ever because I think it holds so much truth. If you do not think you deserve someone that is good to you, you will not ever be able to accept someone that is good to you. It is so important to be self aware and have self respect. Being in a functional relationship is more than just being in love, it is a partnership. You have to be able to support that other person and grow with them as you build your lives. If you are not comfortable and happy with yourself there is no way you will be able to support someone else and make them happy.
One thing I think that is important to add to this is to not only believe that you deserve a real and true love, but also strive to be a person that deserves it. We have all known that person that thinks so highly of themselves that they just expect things. Don't just think that you deserve to be loved, actually deserve it. Be a good person and be a good partner to whoever you are with, whether it be a romantic relationship or even just in friendship. Every relationship is a two way street. None of us are perfect, but we should never stop striving to better ourselves.
Quality over quantity. - Everyone ever, especially your parents and teachers
Having a lot of relationships in your life does not mean you are an expert at them. Remember that having a lot of friends or dating a lot of people will not make you feel whole; having quality friends and eventually that one relationship that is just right for you will. People will walk in and out of your life until your dying day. This does not mean that the people that leave are bad people, or that they mean anything less to this world than you or the people that are important to you. I believe that even if someone was only in your life for a moment they made a difference. But not all of those people are meant to stay.
Realize who is truly important in your life, and focus on them. Don't spend your time dwelling on that college roommate you had to live with in the dorms and was horrible to you for a few months. Take in that experience, by all means be upset about it, be enraged about it, learn from it, and let it go. This doesn't mean we should disregard anyone that we don't think are going to stay in our lives, just don't spend all your energy getting worked up over them. Enjoy those people in those moments, then move on from them.
Realize that you do not need to search for a relationship just because you are single. There is someone out there and you do not need to date every person that comes your way to find them. You will find each other. When you find that person and those life long friends, nurture those relationships because even if you have a more fun night out with some one else, they will be the ones that get you through the hardest nights. Those are the ones that count. Also, listen to them. Sometimes we do not want to listen to the people we care about because it is easier not to hear the truth. They want the best for us and they know us the best, that is why they hold us accountable for the choices we make.
No Regrets. - Ace Frehley and a approximately a jillion other people
This goes with a bit of what I said in the last point but this is something that I am absolutely struggling with right now. The saying "it's better to have loved and lost" feels like complete crap when you are hurting. Trust me, I get it. The worst part of having your heart broken for me is not being able to even comprehend the pain and how I ended up here. But like I said, take in your experiences and learn from them. You will heal. You will be okay. And you will come out stronger on the other end. I believe that everything that happens in life ties together and everything is meant to work out in the end. If you also think that way (which I hope you do) imagine this- as great as you thought that last person you dated was, even though you are devastated right now, the fact that you broke up means that they were not the right one for you. The same goes for friendship. This means someone else is out there for you, and they are right for you which means that they will treat you better and make you happier than you can even imagine.
You never really know someone//Anything can happen.
Here is a two part because I think the first one is untrue, and the second part is the reason. When things do not go the way we plan with someone we were really close to, it can be pretty devastating. I have heard this a few times recently but I don't think it is true to say you never really know a person. I think you can absolutely know someone to their core, but remember that everyone is subject to change. No one can say that they are the same person they were years before. Honestly, if you can say that you are going about this whole life thing wrong. I said it before and I will say it a million times over, work at the things and the people that are worth it. To make a relationship last you need to learn to grow together. But it takes two and that is the hard part. As much as you may try you can't do it all alone, you need the person that will try as much as you. You deserve someone that is willing to try as much as you. And unfortunately sometimes even if both people try, it still may not work because people change and anything can happen.
Really think about that- anything can happen. It is pretty terrifying to think about, but it is also really exciting. Today things can be here and tomorrow they can be gone so treasure everything you have in your life. The exciting part is, anything can happen! You can make things happen. You can fix your life, you can find joy. It is hard to think that the important and wonderful parts of your life can be here one moment and gone the next, but it also means that the parts that hurt can turn around at any moment. Don't be afraid to take a chance. Go for what you want; if you end up getting hurt, you will heal. Take life one step at a time. Remember to breathe, remember to live.
A few more simple quotes that have helped me immensely:
You got hurt. That doesn't mean you stop trying. -New Girl
You were fine before him, remember that you will be fine after him. -A Piece of Cake- Cupcake Brown
This is how we go on: one day at a time, one meal at a time, one pain at a time, one breath at a time. -Stephen King
I have absolute faith in God, and I pray that you do as well or at the least that you have faith/hope in something, even yourself, and that you hold onto that:
"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure" - Hebrews 6:19
While this was mostly for me to organize all of my thoughts I think it is important for everyone to hear these things. If nothing else please remember, you are worth it.
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